It Takes the Time It Takes
Skin had hope, that's what skin does.
Heals over the scarred place, makes a road.
Love means you breathe in two countries.
Naomi Shihab Nye
Love Means You Breathe in Two Countries ~
I've never had a birthday without a father. 55 birthdays with him and now I enter a new country. Two of my dear friends each lost their mother's last year. They both told me 'you just have to get through this year of firsts.' First Christmas without him, first New Years, first birthday. God, I dread St Patrick's day this year.
It Takes the Time It Takes
Studies in neurobiology tell us that losing someone important to us actually changes our biochemistry. There are legitimate and anatomical reasons for insomnia, concentration difficulties, memory gaps and exhaustion. Chloé shared this book which has helped tremendously. I hope it might help you.
Here I read that to honor another's grief we must do two things.
Be like the elephants: When one elephant is injured or dying - the other's gather around, stay close, let the hurting one know she is not alone.
Honor the cast: When we break a bone the only treatmant is to set it, put it in a protective cast and then leave it alone in dark and stillness to mend. Taking the cast off to check on it won't speed healing. Asking repeatedly if it's healed yet won't help. There is no rushing the healing process. It takes the time it takes.
What Love Asks of Us
Love and Yoga. Seems to be my life's work. Both are always asking me to stay present and not run. Stay present to the pain. Stay present to love. Pain and love side by side. Writer Anne Lamott calls this "Friendship with our own heart."
Once we step forward on the grief path, and make no mistake, it's a bumpy rocky path with no markers or pavement, we find there is no choice but to bow to our damaged hearts, to see and somehow come to peace with the human sized holes that will from now on be part of our life's story. Like it or not, we carry on.
Part of honoring this path is the realization that we can't rush through it just because it makes other's uncomfortable. That we don't have the energy to 'pretty it up' to make others feel better. Love asks us to sit with the pain - rough as that is. My daughter sent me this video and it seems to sum it up.
IYKYK
I want to say Thank You to those who have made an effort to say something to me. I've learned a hard lesson here: I have, in the past, been guilty of not properly acknowledging a friend's loss for fear of 'reminding them' or causing pain when perhaps he/she was just trying to have a good day. Now I know. We are always thinking of the loss. And yes we are trying to get on with life and have a good day. But now I know not saying anything hurts more than the tears that come when someone reaches out. The humans who have lost a parent know; they act like the elephants and honor the cast. They say "I'm sorry for your loss." IYKYK ~ If you know you know. Now I know. I guess sooner or later we all know.
I Believe In Everything
I've discovered that searching for signs that my Dad is always with me will be my new way of being. Maybe it's woo-woo, maybe spirit, maybe religion, maybe science. I recently read in a very woo-woo book that those that leave this earth plane can communicate thru the laws of science - similar to how butterflies migrate tracking geothermal patterns, how birds travel using the earth's electromagnetic field, how light travels at speeds we cannot see, how our bellies are home to millions and millions of creatures we are unaware of right inside us. Electricity, Chemistry, Magnetism, Currents, Particles, Waves.
Since I was eight years old 1111 has been my number. I share it with my husband - we call it a soulmate number. Some people call numbers like these angel numbers - ways that spirit communicates. I wear a necklace that reads 11:11. My screen saver reads 1111. In a book I just finished called Signs the medium says "your signs will come in ways specific to you."
Seven days after my father died I asked in writing - 'show me a sign you are with me.' Then I went for a walk. An hour and a half later I rounded the street towards home, heard plastic rustling, looked up, and saw this: Click to watch.
11:11.
The mystics say if you don't believe in magic you won't see magic. The psychics say if you don't believe in spirit you will miss signs from spirit. The light-workers say if you don't believe in love you will miss it right in front of your face.
I believe in it all. Rainbows and hummingbirds, dragonflies and four-leaf clovers, lucky coins and special songs, synchronicity and random balloons. All of it.
As Sheryl Crow sings. "If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad."
It's Okay You Are Not Okay
Here's what I've learned these past nine weeks: It's okay if you are not okay. Some things cannot be fixed. Some things have to be carried.
Here's to another trippy trip around the sun. Shine friends. It's all we can do.
✌+ 💛
Linda